homeless marguerites - Part 11

Johann was now through; he did not want to have to bear any more of anything. The past year had been a new achievement in pain and misery to him and he could not manage to even think about breaking this new record of his.
It had all already been just too much for a lifetime. First of all the his efforts and plans just to demonstrate his existance to Julien; then he was suddenly taken by the surprise of his falling in love with Annie Anderson, which he now rathered take as a great stupidity and honestly believed, that even if everything with her was supposed to be right and even if she had had no destructive or dominating intentions, yet the timing had been absolutely wrong for his plans. But no matter what he could not ignore how she lifted him up from despair in the last moments Julien was getting the better of him, when he had been to be exterminated once and for all. Annie had proved herself as the friend in need, she had been there for him when no one else had been, when Julien had caught him all alone by himself. In fact, that was why Johann had not let her find out who he was yet.
He had to admit, that he still had his eyes on her; first for he loved her or had at least once loved her; and second for she had been this last person standing by him when Julien had been torturing him to death and most important she had called him, she had braught him back to himself.
As next, there had been all he was obliged to go through to get back to Dresden and that as he himself not as any stupid Julien oder under the cover of any other bastard’s name. harald Lutz had made the right decision to make him stay with them for the first days in Dresden, Johann knew it very well. The desasterous shock to find Dresden like that was not wear off as soon, just that now it had turned more to a kind of grief and sometime depression. It was not that irrelevant to think that it had also resulted in a great deal of aggression he felt towards people with whom he started fights.
Then there had been all he went through due to Annie’s stay in Dresden. He had asked himself so many times, if she was really looking for him or if there was another guy. The picture had appeard to him more as a sweet dream at first; a dream too sweet to be true.
He had sincerely wanted to give her another chance, otherwise he would have told her who he was the first day at the Lutz’s and then he would have humiliated her low intelligence and her shrinked American view of the world and would have told her to get lost for good.
And Annie Anderson did actually want to grab this chance. It was the last thing which had really drawn Johann to the edge. The day before the two of them had been left in the Lutz’s living room alone for a comparatively short moment. She had investigatingly stared at him for a while, although Johann was sure she had not thought that he might have noticed her look. Johann also mentioned her doubting his identity and seeing flares of the past in him. To make sure who she was really looking at, she asked: “Tu n’as jamais eu des lunettes?”
Johann had known what it was about, as Julien he had used to wear glasses for he had indeed had problems of sight, of which he had forgotten since his return to Dresden. Sometimes he thought the glasses were Julien’s. this daring question irritated him a bit, so he said in the most casual voice: “Wie bitte?”
But Annie had been wise enough to switch back to talking-to-Mr.-Schwarzinger mood right away and say: “sorry, i forgot i'm in germany! what do you do here in dresden?”
But this had been just oo much for Johann to take, so he had first tried to control himself with a sharp look which was also supposed to be allerting. “I LIVE here, I was born here
this is my hometown. don't forget missy, YOU are the foreigner here” he had said.
“i'm really sorry, i just meant what do you do! i mean what kind of job, work you have!?” Annie had answered “I may be a foreigner but i somehow like this city I wished i could have seen Frauenkirche”
Johann had known very well where this was going; although he knew nothing about Annie going to his flat in Paris, he had estimated that she must had had that little postcard of his with her as she spoke. “well for ur bad, u r too late to take a tour” he had said, trying to sound indifferent.
Eversince he had arrived home, he thought it was time for a temporary turn off. He just could not take it anymore. He would lock himself up at home, let friends run errends for him and stay with his marguerites; oh yes, the marguerites! They were all he needed at times like this. Nothing could do him good like his well trusted, well taken care of marguerites. Closing his eyes he put the firs petal in his mouth, he was already feeling lighter.