Time, only Time - Part 3

“And then I smell her whenever she’s near, now that’s crazy, waaaaaaaaay crazy” he said, half troubled, half desperate.
She was actually his mother’s cousin, but about his age and the closest friend he had ever come to know in his life. Over time they had both become secret partners in each other’s misfortune and happiness. It had been about 8 years ago when they promised each other - after a long lasting series of mistakes they made, dumbness they committed and problems each went through - that they would always be open to each other and tell the other one whatever bothers them. This brought them closer and made them put the foolish pride and shame away while the two were alone on their own.
She patted slightly on his head ”You have to let it go. Give up pretending, you are in it dear.”
“In it?” he asked. He considering stared at the wall “don’t suppose so” he said, “no. No, no. No way! Not me, not now, not yet.” He tried to avoid his voice from rising, yet he could not completely hide his excitement.
“Why not then? May I ask what you are so afraid of?” She asked. He turned his head and looked directly at her. He knew very well that he looked and sounded obviously younger than his age and not that mature, when talking to her, but due the very special confidence they had developed in each other - or maybe had preferred to develop - it did not bother him at all. “Well of her of course. She, she’s not there the way I wish her to be. She’s holding back all the time, she drives me mad, se drives me sad, she drives me hopeless, she makes me feel cold and lonely every day I spent without her in it. I, I really can’t take it. It is already hard enough to take. You see, I can not have her partially, I want all of her, all together, in one piece.”
“Aaaaand…” she was saying, interrupted by him “oh no, not those ands again. I hate them, I can’t stand them. No and. She is terribly unfair with me. Maybe she knows it… but yet she is unjust, I do not deserve this, no and.” he was already panting in excitement.
“And,” she went on, a certain ignorance to his excitement in her voice, “would you be giving her all of you in one? Do not answer me with a quick reckless yes.”
He paused with his open mouth for some seconds and then said “well, much more than her anyway. Please do let me finish this,” he said quickly to make her listen, “I, I even sometimes feel disrespected by how she … neglects me? I know neglect’s not the word but you already know what I mean… how I have to wait days and days for a single answer or a message from her. She never says know, she just puts every thing off a hundred times or forgets 10 days in a row to call back or, or what so ever. You know I can really not take such a long process.”
She finally lost patience, as he knew very well she would - maybe that was one attractive aspect of their conversations, he thought - “so put an end to it. I am telling you as clearly as it gets, you are right. You do not deserve it, put an end to it.”
A shadow of sorrow darkened his face “I know she gives me what she’s not giving any one else.” He sighed, swallowed, blinked twice, looked back at the wall and in a deep voice he said “The time we spend together is so magically wonderful, so unique, but then the time I spend waiting for this time is so horribly cursed.” the memory of all the times he mentioned was to be obviously seen on his face. The impression in his eyes seemed like a film playing back all the times he had spent with her during the past six months.
“Honest?” she asked. He nodded, “Honest.” he whispered, the film still playing in his eyes gazing at the wall now, the way one would stare at a screen.
“You ran after someone who does not want you enough. You love her and you deserve much better, but she does want you enough. she does not want you enough for what you deserve because of the love you’re giving her.”
He closed his eyes and swallowed again. She could feel his slight trembling. “I really love her scent whenever she’s close.” he said.