Time, only Time - Part 4

Swimming with her was extremely relaxing, the most marvelous and peaceful image in his mind and at the same time accompanied by a pain impossible for him to endure. It was like a scenery of all he had ever wished upon and all he ever dreamt of, found but inaccessible to him. He felt the urge to cry or to commit suicide every time he swam with her.
For some legendary moments he was taken far far away from the world he was about to live in and he actually came to believe that he had both of them, that there existed nothing but he, she and swimming on earth. And then he was suddenly hit by the bitter truth that every thing else on earth stood between him and the two. For a short split of a second, facing her with no more than 40cm distance in water, both panting, wet and smiling, he felt happy. He felt as great a happiness as no one can ever even define. There was nothing else he wanted; staring deep into her hazel eyes he just wanted this moment to last for ever, for all eternity; or maybe just for all his - in comparative to eternity - short life. He wanted to embrace this moment, he felt like embracing her; and then he realized how it was forbidden for him to do so by the “unspoken rules” between them. Rules he was not certain whether they really existed or whether he had made them up for he was afraid she might ever say no or ask him to stop.
He gently touched her hair and pulled it back a little. Her smiling face did not even change a bit.
He suddenly hated all possible rules of the world, he hated his weakness, he hated fear, he hated himself for giving in to fear. Why should he not be able to surround and shelter this woman? He had been playing lots of games in his life, games he was obliged to play to survive the outside world. What kind of a game had he accepted to play this time? Was he really obliged to or was he just too weak to decline the new game? Did she really want him to play a game or was she waiting for him to finally recognize he had better stopped playing any possible game and declare himself to her? He was going crazy, this was not supposed to happen at such a happy moment. He had to stop, he had to just enjoy the moment, nothing else, right now everything else was a great mistake to make.
Why was she doing this to him? What did she want? What was she looking for? was it really she doing this to him or was it actually he himself? He could not tell anymore, he could not tell anything anymore. He was far too confused to be able to tell anything. He was dealing with a confusion so great, that it was already eating him up from inside. He felt like dying for he hoped that death should not be as confusing as life, he wished everything to end up in a silent death; it should not necessarily be painless or quick, just a quiet one, just a silent one.
He did really wish for less complications. He was pretty often told to be a quite complicated person himself, yet he always found the outside world to be much more complicated, complicated beyond his understanding and beyond his imagination; it did really remain “the outside world”, regardless of how long he had already been living in it.