homeless marguerites - Part 14
“My name is Johann Schwarzinger; born here in Dresden 24 years ago and I am the youngest of the three children of Manfred and Anna Schwarzinger.
At the age of 6 I started planting marguerites in our little garden, which was first more of a test, if it could ever work out and then, when the flowers finally bloomed, I could never help planting them again. I was also brought up religious, first it sounded more the kind of childish notion you have in reaction to the fairy tale assembling stories your parents tell you. After having left Germany though, it became something personal, it became somehow the only part of me I could have with o fear, the only part which I could not hide, which even Julien could not destroy.
My childhood was more or less normal, for my family did their best for me not to have to deal much with what was going on in Germany at the time. I could sometimes mention traces of sorrow, anxiety or fear in their faces, but then they would try to show it off as little unremarkable matters of daily life. They tried too much, to protect me by keeping me unaware and isolated, though in vain, for the new changes reached pretty soon the schools and at that point, it was impossible to stay isolated, you had to be aware. Since it was too dangerous for younger children to have double opinions of the events and to live a double life, they started filling me in with their version of the world when I reached 11.
That was not long before the war was declared, and my older brother and sister were already engaged in the events, so I had already witnessed their now pretty often discussions and fights with my parents.
My brother Stefan was 12 years older than me and my sister Ingrid 9 years, so that resulted in them not being much willing of having me in their affairs neither really trying to convince me of anything.
It came out that Ingrid had been really fascinated with the new party and despite the unsatisfactory of my parents had joined them in 1937. What could they have done anyway, even if she did not want to join? Ingrid was 19 and bright, she was not easy to prove wrong, for she could always argue very well. Yet my parents did not make her leave the house. They believed strictly, that she would find her way back if she stayed at home with her family. For all what was happening seemed like a nightmare which was wished to be over as soon as possible, well, it didn’t soon enough.”
Johann sipped his beer, looking at a door of a room, where Annie had not been, but from the look on his face she could estimate it to have been Ingrid’s. Lazarus, the dog, put his head on Johann’s lap. With a vague smile, he caressed Lazarus, keeping his eyes on the door. Annie waited a while, already living with Johann for more months, she knew that he still needed some silent moments to him alone. He had of course improved a great deal after that “marguerite attack” of his; the way Annie called what he had had to go through 5 months ago.
The flash back took Johann much longer than it should have, so Annie interrupted: “Johann, what happened to Ingrid?”
“Oh, yes, yes, Ingrid! Well…” he said, turning his head towards Annie, “let’s keep track of everything chronologically, shall we?”
But then he did not wait for Annie’s answer. “It was in May 1939, that Stefan joined the army.” He continued. “He was not at all like Ingrid, he did not believe in National Socialism, neither in any bright future for the German race. I still remember his argues with mama telling her that this was not about “den Führer” but about Germany , he believed that if Germans refuse fighting just because they are against the regime, we would lose all we have and all we might have in the future. My mother told him that there were enough crazy people like Ingrid who would do Hitler the favor of dying for his sake, but Stefan did not want to give in. it was then my father called Hitler “den Teufel” for the first time. “Dieser verdammte Teufel hat das ganze Volk um den Verstand gebracht.“ He had said. But nothing they would have said changed Stefan’s mind. At that time, he had been engaged to Eva Lutz for just three weeks. So we all hoped Eva could make him change his mind, but Eva did not even try. She had only smiled saying that he’d escape and come back in six months.
Ingrid did not say anything, she did neither confirm nor disapprove what Stefan was about to; she just watched it all in complete silence, nevertheless with a deep sadness in her look, as if she did not dare talk and say what was in her heart.
When Stefan went away, Ingrid suddenly became kind and her behavior changed unbelievably. I believe Stefan’s departure was too much for her to take, it seemed like she did not believe in her “Führer” that much anymore. I remember how she helped me with the marguerites and sometimes, when I talked about school and how other kids were reacting towards the changes and what their parents had told them, she just said that they were all either cowards or fools. To me, she looked suddenly more beautiful than ever, she spent most of her time at home or helping mama with her students. Did I mention that my mother was a figure skating teacher? Well she was not a real coach; she always preferred teaching school children. Yes, that’s why I always dreamt of being the dancer.” Johann took another short break, drinking beer. But this time Annie could see how he was struggling to bring what he wanted to say into words. It must have definitely been tough; he even looked like he was fighting tears. Annie softly put her hand on his knee. She did not smile, for she already knew it was nothing good, she just looked directly into Johann glass like eyes to ensure him that she was there for him, no matter what.
Johann tried to smile and went on telling: “well, Stefan was away for only four months. One night she called saying that she was staying with one of her friends. It sounded really normal, I mean, she used to stay at her place once in a while, so we did not bother asking more. I … I remember…well when I woke up Elise and Harald Lutz were here, the two others had not dared come. They … no one, no one let me get out, Elise said they were going to tell my teacher how sick I was that day, so that I would not have to worry about … I … told her… that I was not sick and that I wanted to go to school.
You know, the night before she had quitted. But she was not supposed to, no one was supposed to. They had stabbed her to death, but she could escape them, she could reached, but was too week to do anything, or to call, or to get in. in the morning, papa found her only 2 meters away from the front door, soaked in her own blood.”
Johann took a quick look at his now empty beer bottle. Annie offered him hers; he took a relatively big sip and returned it to her. “It was obvious that we had to leave like all others who had left or had been exiled. We planned everything, we found the links and we paid for our fake identities. The best place for us was Paris, for my aunt already lived there ever since her marriage. Besides, we could not get much far from Germany; none of us had the courage of living far away in north or South America. We just waited for Stefan to return. Meanwhile I packed some of my marguerite seeds, for I could not imagine a life without them.
It was only two weeks after Ingrid’s death that Stefan was reported lost. So we waited four more months, but there came no news. The time was running up, we could not wait any longer. Eva assured us that she was going to wait on Stefan, and the two of them would come to Paris as soon as he comes back. So we escaped.
Julien Lefèvre was just a name in the beginning. My life went on as Johann Schwarzinger, despite what the school report might have said. I lived the same way. I had a post card with the church of our lady pictured on it on my wall and prayed to the lord in front of it every night, that all should end good, I had my marguerites planted, I had my own habits. Although it was a slow process, I felt the presence of Julien as a stranger in my life obviously for the first time when my father passed away. It felt as if in his funeral, Julien came along with a chair in his hand and sat in front of me, so that he covered me sitting in the first row as my father’s only child. Over the following years he became more and more powerful. He gained greater respect among others and managed to get himself believed by those who I loved and trusted most. He was actually a really nice guy and I was his only weakness. He would do anything to destroy me and to get rid of me. Although I was clearly defeated, for I was forbidden after all, he did always fear me. I hit 18 when the war came to an end, it was finally independence time, time to start university and get on with my carrier.
Then we heard about Dresden and what had happened. He tore my post card apart, I put it together and fixed it, and then he just covered it with a big…” Annie’s look showed that she had already been to the flat, so Johann saved his breath and continued: “and so since he never dared destroy all what was mine, he covered it all up. As time went by, I became weaker and weaker. The last time I felt some warmth upon me was when my mother was dying. Lying in her bed she called for me when there was no one else there. “Johann! Oh du arme Johann! Es wird alles wieder gut. Oh mein kleiner Johann! Du willst doch nicht lange allein bleiben, Johann!“ she said.
I wonder to this very day, if she knew what was going on or if she just wanted to calm me down.
I suspect you should know the rest of the story; the contract with Francisco, how I fell in love with you, how Julien wanted to abuse you to get rid of me for good, how your calling him devil reminded me of papa calling Hitler the same way and how it made me fight back, how I collapsed afterwards, the same as me going to the mental clinic, the marguerites, how that night at your window I realized that I could belong no where else but here, changing to me on my way back home, how I was still mad at you when you came here, how I felt at the end of my rope when you suspected who I was, my marguerite off time and how you came to this house and moved in to bring me back.”
Johann took Annie’s bottle and drank the rest. He took a deep breath, gave Lazarus some biscuits and looked back at her.
“But I don’t know yet, why you are having so many fights.” Said Annie.
“We’ll have enough time for that. Tonight was past confession time.” Answered Johann and the three of them got up to go feed the little baby boa, which Annie had brought Johann.
The End
At the age of 6 I started planting marguerites in our little garden, which was first more of a test, if it could ever work out and then, when the flowers finally bloomed, I could never help planting them again. I was also brought up religious, first it sounded more the kind of childish notion you have in reaction to the fairy tale assembling stories your parents tell you. After having left Germany though, it became something personal, it became somehow the only part of me I could have with o fear, the only part which I could not hide, which even Julien could not destroy.
My childhood was more or less normal, for my family did their best for me not to have to deal much with what was going on in Germany at the time. I could sometimes mention traces of sorrow, anxiety or fear in their faces, but then they would try to show it off as little unremarkable matters of daily life. They tried too much, to protect me by keeping me unaware and isolated, though in vain, for the new changes reached pretty soon the schools and at that point, it was impossible to stay isolated, you had to be aware. Since it was too dangerous for younger children to have double opinions of the events and to live a double life, they started filling me in with their version of the world when I reached 11.
That was not long before the war was declared, and my older brother and sister were already engaged in the events, so I had already witnessed their now pretty often discussions and fights with my parents.
My brother Stefan was 12 years older than me and my sister Ingrid 9 years, so that resulted in them not being much willing of having me in their affairs neither really trying to convince me of anything.
It came out that Ingrid had been really fascinated with the new party and despite the unsatisfactory of my parents had joined them in 1937. What could they have done anyway, even if she did not want to join? Ingrid was 19 and bright, she was not easy to prove wrong, for she could always argue very well. Yet my parents did not make her leave the house. They believed strictly, that she would find her way back if she stayed at home with her family. For all what was happening seemed like a nightmare which was wished to be over as soon as possible, well, it didn’t soon enough.”
Johann sipped his beer, looking at a door of a room, where Annie had not been, but from the look on his face she could estimate it to have been Ingrid’s. Lazarus, the dog, put his head on Johann’s lap. With a vague smile, he caressed Lazarus, keeping his eyes on the door. Annie waited a while, already living with Johann for more months, she knew that he still needed some silent moments to him alone. He had of course improved a great deal after that “marguerite attack” of his; the way Annie called what he had had to go through 5 months ago.
The flash back took Johann much longer than it should have, so Annie interrupted: “Johann, what happened to Ingrid?”
“Oh, yes, yes, Ingrid! Well…” he said, turning his head towards Annie, “let’s keep track of everything chronologically, shall we?”
But then he did not wait for Annie’s answer. “It was in May 1939, that Stefan joined the army.” He continued. “He was not at all like Ingrid, he did not believe in National Socialism, neither in any bright future for the German race. I still remember his argues with mama telling her that this was not about “den Führer” but about Germany , he believed that if Germans refuse fighting just because they are against the regime, we would lose all we have and all we might have in the future. My mother told him that there were enough crazy people like Ingrid who would do Hitler the favor of dying for his sake, but Stefan did not want to give in. it was then my father called Hitler “den Teufel” for the first time. “Dieser verdammte Teufel hat das ganze Volk um den Verstand gebracht.“ He had said. But nothing they would have said changed Stefan’s mind. At that time, he had been engaged to Eva Lutz for just three weeks. So we all hoped Eva could make him change his mind, but Eva did not even try. She had only smiled saying that he’d escape and come back in six months.
Ingrid did not say anything, she did neither confirm nor disapprove what Stefan was about to; she just watched it all in complete silence, nevertheless with a deep sadness in her look, as if she did not dare talk and say what was in her heart.
When Stefan went away, Ingrid suddenly became kind and her behavior changed unbelievably. I believe Stefan’s departure was too much for her to take, it seemed like she did not believe in her “Führer” that much anymore. I remember how she helped me with the marguerites and sometimes, when I talked about school and how other kids were reacting towards the changes and what their parents had told them, she just said that they were all either cowards or fools. To me, she looked suddenly more beautiful than ever, she spent most of her time at home or helping mama with her students. Did I mention that my mother was a figure skating teacher? Well she was not a real coach; she always preferred teaching school children. Yes, that’s why I always dreamt of being the dancer.” Johann took another short break, drinking beer. But this time Annie could see how he was struggling to bring what he wanted to say into words. It must have definitely been tough; he even looked like he was fighting tears. Annie softly put her hand on his knee. She did not smile, for she already knew it was nothing good, she just looked directly into Johann glass like eyes to ensure him that she was there for him, no matter what.
Johann tried to smile and went on telling: “well, Stefan was away for only four months. One night she called saying that she was staying with one of her friends. It sounded really normal, I mean, she used to stay at her place once in a while, so we did not bother asking more. I … I remember…well when I woke up Elise and Harald Lutz were here, the two others had not dared come. They … no one, no one let me get out, Elise said they were going to tell my teacher how sick I was that day, so that I would not have to worry about … I … told her… that I was not sick and that I wanted to go to school.
You know, the night before she had quitted. But she was not supposed to, no one was supposed to. They had stabbed her to death, but she could escape them, she could reached, but was too week to do anything, or to call, or to get in. in the morning, papa found her only 2 meters away from the front door, soaked in her own blood.”
Johann took a quick look at his now empty beer bottle. Annie offered him hers; he took a relatively big sip and returned it to her. “It was obvious that we had to leave like all others who had left or had been exiled. We planned everything, we found the links and we paid for our fake identities. The best place for us was Paris, for my aunt already lived there ever since her marriage. Besides, we could not get much far from Germany; none of us had the courage of living far away in north or South America. We just waited for Stefan to return. Meanwhile I packed some of my marguerite seeds, for I could not imagine a life without them.
It was only two weeks after Ingrid’s death that Stefan was reported lost. So we waited four more months, but there came no news. The time was running up, we could not wait any longer. Eva assured us that she was going to wait on Stefan, and the two of them would come to Paris as soon as he comes back. So we escaped.
Julien Lefèvre was just a name in the beginning. My life went on as Johann Schwarzinger, despite what the school report might have said. I lived the same way. I had a post card with the church of our lady pictured on it on my wall and prayed to the lord in front of it every night, that all should end good, I had my marguerites planted, I had my own habits. Although it was a slow process, I felt the presence of Julien as a stranger in my life obviously for the first time when my father passed away. It felt as if in his funeral, Julien came along with a chair in his hand and sat in front of me, so that he covered me sitting in the first row as my father’s only child. Over the following years he became more and more powerful. He gained greater respect among others and managed to get himself believed by those who I loved and trusted most. He was actually a really nice guy and I was his only weakness. He would do anything to destroy me and to get rid of me. Although I was clearly defeated, for I was forbidden after all, he did always fear me. I hit 18 when the war came to an end, it was finally independence time, time to start university and get on with my carrier.
Then we heard about Dresden and what had happened. He tore my post card apart, I put it together and fixed it, and then he just covered it with a big…” Annie’s look showed that she had already been to the flat, so Johann saved his breath and continued: “and so since he never dared destroy all what was mine, he covered it all up. As time went by, I became weaker and weaker. The last time I felt some warmth upon me was when my mother was dying. Lying in her bed she called for me when there was no one else there. “Johann! Oh du arme Johann! Es wird alles wieder gut. Oh mein kleiner Johann! Du willst doch nicht lange allein bleiben, Johann!“ she said.
I wonder to this very day, if she knew what was going on or if she just wanted to calm me down.
I suspect you should know the rest of the story; the contract with Francisco, how I fell in love with you, how Julien wanted to abuse you to get rid of me for good, how your calling him devil reminded me of papa calling Hitler the same way and how it made me fight back, how I collapsed afterwards, the same as me going to the mental clinic, the marguerites, how that night at your window I realized that I could belong no where else but here, changing to me on my way back home, how I was still mad at you when you came here, how I felt at the end of my rope when you suspected who I was, my marguerite off time and how you came to this house and moved in to bring me back.”
Johann took Annie’s bottle and drank the rest. He took a deep breath, gave Lazarus some biscuits and looked back at her.
“But I don’t know yet, why you are having so many fights.” Said Annie.
“We’ll have enough time for that. Tonight was past confession time.” Answered Johann and the three of them got up to go feed the little baby boa, which Annie had brought Johann.
The End
posted by Einhornin @ 1:28 AM
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