Forced

I tried to stay calm, it was something I had to bring to an end, no matter what. I had to totally ignore the reason why I was there, or it would have caused me a great deal of trouble with the folks. I wasn't meant for such things, I knew it very well, but yet I had to, there was no way to get away with it. I kept telling myself "Don't you dare thinking! Just for god's sake do not think!"
But it only ended up in me thinking clearer and faster. The words functioned reversely, working like a remembrance. Maybe the next time I have to remember something it would be much better to just tell myself not to think instead of trying to take the notes I would eventually forget to read.
I tried my best to falsh back to the ordinary indifferent mood of myself, and it took a much greater deal of my left energy than anyone had ever expected. I was starting to feel helpless where I stopped it. I had to take control of me agaim, I knew as clearly as it gets that I should not let me rule over the situation or I'll be doomed for the rest of eternity.
So I tried to reverse my previous words, I closed my eyes and murmured: "Think! Think! Think!" and it miraclousely worked, I got so concerned with telling myself to think that finally at some point I stopped thining about everything else.
Then I just closed my eyes, looked at him directly in the eyes, took a deep breath, as deep as my strong lungs could afford, breathed a generous amount of air out and told the determining lies.