Gary Schwarzinger

Yes I could not wait another week, yes I failed, yes I went to talk to her.
The good thing was that I could cry, it was not a real cry, more sort of tears rolling down, what I always admired her for: that she could let her tears out when needed. It has been part of my curse all these years, I can not drop a tear, even when I need to; but in her presence it happened.
To me, it was not me begging to her to look at me, it was kind of a fight, a fight against all odds to be with her again. She know I am a fighter, I have fought for smaller, really less important things, then why not for her? Why not for someone who's meant to by my life?
She stayed cold, but there was still a shimmer, a glow, deep in her eyes which seemed to be calling me. Does she know? She confessed that is was far away, steped backwards in her eyes, so she should know that it is there, or maybe it is just her subconscious that knows.
She tried to sound like an execusioner who says: "if you relax, we can work it out painlessly together" but she's not good at it.
She has done this to me before, although she does not remember, this is either the 3rd or the 4th time, but it has never been so severe before. I have faced her and I have faced the world to saty by her side before. This is not the first time I am fighting for her, I do not believe it to be the last time either. She wants to show no respect for anything, anything; so I am cleverer to bring up any old subject.
Yet she did me a great favor, she took away the guilt from me, she kept saying she doesn't recall me having done anything in specific to hurt her, she said that this shall not be any punishment.
But this is a new burden for me: how is she? How is she doing? Is she really ok? Is there anything she is hiding from me? Sure.
Does she need my help? I do not know. But I am afraid, afraid and worried. She might need her mother's help or someone else's if not mine. Will she talk to them? Will she let anyone know she needs help? Will she let anyone find out? Or will she just say: "Gary was an asshole, so I dumped him and I am just a little pissed, ah I'll be ok in while, it's really nothing" ?
What she will tell others about me is the last I worry about. I worry about her, but I know there's nothing I can do about it.
I have never experienced any woman like her. To me, she is the greatest, and will be. How she fights her way through a life which looks like to be easy but in fact is not, amazes me. Once she said that I was the person who took the fear away from her, If really so, then I have every reason to be proud, but she has always found her way herself.
A few months ago, this woman was in love with me, mad about me and wanted to marry me, regardless of the consequences it would have had for her, and now, she does even want to see me again. in the past year, she did anything she couldto bring me to Berlin, and now she wants to forget that someone like me exists in Berlin, can that be? Last week on Sarurday, we were the happiest couple on earth, Sonday, she leaves me intending nver to come back (as she claimed a few days ago). Is it possible?
Her life is to stay hers and mine to stay mine, she told me yesterday. I have nothing against it. I do not want to claim her life, I just ask for her company.
"Say goodbye to the old me and then let's see if anything could be between you and the new me." she said. That I can my darling, I have done it before, maybe not like this time, but it's nothing I haven't done, it's nothing that unknown to me.
I have never been so in love with you, but loving you I have been already since long. You know it well, even if I never brought it into words. Just don't do this to yourself, don't do this to us; whatever it might be.
Everyone deserves anoter chance, even us. If there is a new us there, then please just let us get to know us again, don't burn all the bridges, for something as wonderfull as us has never been on this earth, this I promis you.