to my dearest judge

To my son Michael, “the Judge”

I would like to think; that you must have already gave it a thought, why your mother might have left you a letter before her death.
My dear, what I really want you to learn is never to be ashamed of yourself or your desires. Never let anyone look down on you and make you fell they have the right to.
I am glad Marty was wise enough to look beyond his fear and see the wisdom of yours which made a perfect judge out of you.
Life is much more complicated than what you have already seen of it. Just because life has to go on under any circumstances, it does not mean that life gets no time to change faces. It is not your biggest lifetime embarrassment if you need someone while you truly love someone else. Do not try to speak yourself into denying this love.
That is what happened with me.
First I did not know which one I loved and which I needed, so I decided it to be the easier way, I loved Kevin and needed Titanium. This assumption seemed to be no more working out as I had to take you away from Kevin and hide you in my own land. I started to think why I had to hide you from your father, what made me so scared of him curing you his long traditioned way. It was the first time I had separated from Kevin in something which was ours. It was frighteningly the right decision.
It was shortly before my death that I recognized the truth. As Titanium told the four of you the secret of your birth, I got mad at him, I wanted to destroy all what could reflect me at the moment. That was why I left the house the way I did.
What he really demonstrated was my need for Kevin; that I was still trapped in the web Kevin had weaved for me decades ago; that no matter how he treated or mistreated me; I was unable to walk away from him. I felt like a slave. Like I was obliged to be the way Kevin liked me best for all theses years. And every few years Titanium would stand up to him, winning me a little break, what I was unbelievably unable to manage myself.
As I found out it had been Titanium I loved and Kevin I needed, I did this time make the wise decision: I left him without depending on his decision or waiting for him to reply, react or discuss.
Still I could have left on my own, for it was not Titanium I needed. But at those very short moments I refound the Tyrann I loved in those blue eyes.
Hereby you will be the only one to whom I reveal this secret.
It was before our departure that he finally gave in and admitted he was not the devil. What I had already known since long but did not dare to speak for I feared Kevin and Catherine. Why do they call Tyranns by this name? Beacause one potential grand archer Tyrann could play the devil to please a godess, and hell he plays it well!
Titanium never learnt anything of music or archery, but if he had, everyone would have recognized immediately what he really was. As to me, as “die Heilige” -if I should still dare carry this title- I recognized pretty soon what he was. My young intimate relation with him just proved it to me. Something he know from his instinct but Kevin never learned for I did not tell him; I wonder if Titanium ever asked himself why we never needed preservations. Maybe he also knew but kept it quiet.
That’s why Geud worshipped him, he saw much of himself in Titanium: a grand archer doing his best, taking extreme measures to please a goddess! That’s how grand archers are anyway: no moral, but always loyal.
One last lesson I learned the hard way: you should never expect moral from immortals, because they just live under another logic, another moral. Mostly it’s their right to hurt you or to play with you, it’s only you who fails to understand why.

I could only wish you happy days, my dearest.
Never underestimate yourself.

Farewell son,
Your mom