Gary Schwarzinger

So this is it, that's how pain and suffer becomes a part of your life.
The rediculous part is that since the night before last, my dreams have become too kind and gentle to me, almost no more nightmares, I dream of daily situations which make me feel at ease. So all the time I wish to sleep.
But then I find myself thinking about her all the time. I am watching all these nine years again in front of my eyes and much more, all what might have never happened but I can imagine about her. The life sparkling in her eyes, what I did not see on Saturday, what scared me, what made me shatter, what hit me in the eyes.
In the morning, I get some minutes to buy me some gadget from the daily market "Thank you sir, have a nice day." "You too."
Does he not know that my day would not be nice? How should he?
"Hi, you look so tired." I get all day long from people around, just keep on the smile, the simle, Gary! "Yeah, I was sick at the weekend." I simply reply. It sounds convincing; I don't care more. All I fear is to suddenly collapse, but these people are all far too strangers, and I have almost always posessed the gift of appearing really casual to those who just know me. It was actually a disappointment that they all mentioned that I looked tired.
I try to concentrate, actually, every once in a while I do, and then I try to imagine how she might have been here, in this place, in these classes, on these chairs, facing these Professors, her lunch time, her book readings (same as I!), her homeworks, her notes. I do not need much efforts.
Then my mind flies further, I imagine how it will be once we come together, once we fullfill the "best friends, come what may". This has come before, it is not the first time, though a bit harsher this time.
The best thing between the two of us has always been the honesty and the truth, like a glowing star in the dark night, like the look in her eyes. I am thinking all the time, I am thinking fast, I am thinking intensively; what might have happened to her? What could have gone wrong? What can I do? How can I work this out best?
I just wish to hold her in my arms, then my forehead on hers, close my eyes until everything around changes, until everything on our way vanishes and nothing remains but us, our truth, so that we can rest together until the end of time, with no disturbance.
Can it be? Can oaths taken in such honesty be broken? What keeps the world together then if not ...
Another handfull of tranqulizers swallowed and I go on.
For the time being, the least I care about is what these pills might do to me, they keep me going on, they keep me upright, they keep me thinking; yes, thinking. And they have so far kept me out of the hospital. I take three to four times more than what I should, and I just jope I would not run out of them before it is time.
Might I get addicted? No denial, but again, I have more important worries for the time being, this has yet long to come to question.