Back Pain

Sometimes when my back hurts I imagine people trying to break my wings off. I never really had the experience, so I do not really know how the pain feels. Once, though, they were about to take them off by surgery. It did not hurt, of course, especially considering all the anesthetics I was under. And considering their condition back then I did not really feel any threat about losing them. All the doctors and other medics made a very considerate and reassuring impression on me; maybe a bit too reassuring.

It was after all the injuries and the damage the wings had taken. I was in constant pain and every day it was unbearable pressure trying to move around with giant broken wings on my back, and to make matters worse, they were also wounded on the outside. Not moving them at all was putting me in more danger in due time and every time I tried flying or at least flapping them a bit I just worsened the injuries, not to speak of the sheer pain.

That was why a surgery seemed all in all very reasonable back then and I could not see much against going with it, since it seemed as though I was never going to fly with these wings anyways.

I could not have guessed wronger.

Since it was just local anesthesia I could still hear them talk while operating on my back. It was then it stroke me that they were all way too reassuring for a surgery which was supposed to be a rather simple routine. At least that was what I had been told: a simple plastic surgery, would take a bit longer for the wounds on my back to fully heal, yet absolutely nothing to worry about. With my head facing the floor, I could of course not see their expressions as they bent over my back and I could not feel the first cut on my skin due to the anesthetics but I saw their shadows bending over me and suddenly it felt heavy on my back. I literally felt on my very senseless skin that something truly wrong was going on.

It was like my wings were calling to me... or maybe it were the trees. Yes, it must have been the trees talking in my head. I suddenly remembered all the nights I had dreamed of flying, all the nights tossing and turning in my bed with injured wings, and fully awake due to the pain. I remembered all the blows they had taken to keep me safe. I remembered how they looked back when they were still in shape: black and wide when openly stretched. Luckily for me my legs were not the slightest bit numb, so I got up on them as fast as I could and started running. I still do not know why I had to run, the thought of losing my wings had really gotten to me and I wanted to bring them to safety as fast as possible. So I ran out of there.

It was a couple of month after the "failed" surgery that they healed completely. I flew once again, I flew up high freely and I knew why I was suddenly overcome by the urge of keeping my wings in the surgery.

I can not understand why but very often, when my back hurts, I feel as though someone were trying to break off my wings. When I feel the sharp pain at the central end of the collar bones, exactly at the right spot, I fear they would want to separate my wings again... 

 

Patience

There is a world waiting for you at the next crossroad.

Sometimes, when this world gets impatient it gives birth to all new kinds of birds and fish, just to make time pass a bit more conveniently.

At times it even considers a new cluster of shooting stars, one for each wish you would need a star to fulfill for you.

There are colors there which only shine in your imagination and scents that have existed solely in your mind.

One of these days music will be born there, just to sing the yearning for you all across this universe.

Once or twice this world had to change the course of fate, just to make sure you would be passing by the destined crossroad.

There is this whole world of awe awaiting you; to create it.

Scary Little New Story

This just occurred to me and I have really no idea who this new guy is or about the story behind these confused words:

There is this thing I never told you about... no matter how many times I really intended to go for it and come out clear I just could not. It is like every time I really make a go for it I suddenly find you standing right in front of me, as though you have been awaiting this moment all along. I try not to give it much though and just let pour out this burden but I fail as soon as I pick up the first word to say.

There is so much we should be talking about and the longer we wait, the higher grows this wall between us. So I tried, I tried so many times to shake any bridge inside this wall, yet in vain. I just do not have what it takes. My feet tremble and I stumble over my desires each time I make up my mind to cross that border and finally reach out to you. I hate this weakness.

I loathe this hesitation inside my head which keeps waiting and waiting, the one which has already started taking the world away from me. I know that I just would have to spill out the first words. It is funny how words can destroy so much so easily and how still nothing seems to built without them. When it comes to humans, they hold an unbeatable power, they are somehow unbeatable... after all, I am just another coward, even if it is the eerily immense power of words which I fear.

And still I can not ignore the fact for the rest of my days, that all will fall apart if we do not reach out to each other...

Do you sometimes feel how much I want you to ask me how I am doing?

Daily Whispers

You suddenly feel so tired, so utterly exhausted and then there comes the solemn wish. You just want to let go, you wish to quit, to give up everything. All you have ever been, all what you have ever wanted, you would leave it all behind for peace of mind. 
It has been struggling day in and day out, your body and your mind are worn out, your soul is bleeding and your heart is aching and now the thought of surrender becomes more tempting each time you think about it. 

Just give it all up, let go, stop fighting and get yourself a peaceful corner... or even not. It does not matter what comes afterwards, since you won't be fighting anymore. It will all be peaceful and quiet. Even should you be suffering grave pain, it would be all in silence, your heart should be at peace, your mind would be at ease, since you are not going to join the battle any more.

And then there is the flash of light, this bright sparkle inside both your eyes. 

What about your dreams? Could you really leave them then?

If you stopped fighting for them, if you stopped wanting them so much and if you stopped reaching out to them... you know how lonely they would be!